Reflections
by idgiejr
Summary: Three years after the dissolve of their marriage, this is where Callie and Arizona find themselves.
1. Chapter 1

Callie looked in the bathroom mirror and purred. Or came as close to purring as a grown woman could while staring at her own reflection. She looked good. She knew she looked good. And she _knew_ Arizona would think she looked good once she returned home from Boise.

They had a sexy date scheduled. Sofia had been fed, bathed, and put to bed, and Callie had beautiful lingerie, delicious body paint, and a dirty mind. Life had been so blissful for the two. And tonight, Callie was intent on showering her wife in slow lap dances and heavy pleasures.

The hour was getting late, and despite herself, Callie's eyes were drooping while waiting for Arizona's arrival home. She tried desperately to stay awake for their night together, but Arizona was later than expected, and after back-to-back surgeries, Callie found herself giving in to heavy eyelids.

* * *

><p><em>Arizona screaming.<em>

_Arizona screaming bloody murder and pushing Callie away. _

_Callie was up with a start, trying to locate the problem. Trying to fix, fix, fix, and when she couldn't, trying to brush it under the rug. Was it phantom limb? Was her wife having a nightmare? What was the issue and how could it be solved? _

_Arizona yelling. _

_Callie trying to identify, categorize, and solve, and Arizona berating. Arizona pushing buttons. Arizona finding a dark side that even she didn't know she had._

_Arizona shutting down._

_It's time to move on. Come on, come on, come on, remember when we were fine? Let's be fine. Why aren't we back to fine yet? Arizona trying to be fine. Arizona shutting everything down in a big attempt to be fine. Arizona having sex (she wasn't ready). Arizona buying a hospital (she didn't want to). Arizona with another woman's mouth on her body in an on-call room tryst (how did it come to this?)._

* * *

><p>Callie gasps awake, gulping in air. "A nightmare. Only a nightmare. One hell of a nightmare," she exhales to herself with each deep breath. Her eyes focus in the darkened bedroom, and her mind does too. It all comes back.<p>

Her wife nearly died on the side of a mountain. Callie had to amputate her leg. Their daughter called out for her mother who was quickly slipping away from both of them. The months - years - of mutual pain and confusion, it wasn't a dream. It was their reality. Or it had been, at least. Until three years ago, when Callie had tearfully walked away from their marriage.

Callie regained her eyesight in the darkened bedroom and looked down to the other side of the bed. Owen lay asleep, though restless. Two years into their relationship - two years sleeping next to this man - and Callie was certain his mind taunted him with equally tragic memories. They didn't fill each other's dreams, but they found some type of comfort together. And when the sun rose in a few short hours, Callie was certain they'd both put on a partial smile and greet each other with a forced kiss and a shared breakfast.

Callie sighed. _I wanted fine. I wanted to hurry up and be fine. How am I still here, nowhere near fine?_


	2. Chapter 2

_Three Years Ago_

Arizona couldn't put words to how she felt. Or rather, she refused to look that closely to name it. All she knew was that Callie had walked out – Callie had bailed this time – and Arizona was hurt. And she was mad. And there was an inkling in the back of her mind that she was relieved they were over and she hadn't been the one to end it or fuck it up. She had been given an out. Or so she may have realized if she took even a moment to reflect.

But she didn't.

Instead, Arizona dove into work. She worked around the clock with Dr. Herman and came alive professionally in a way she hadn't in years. When faced with Callie, though, she never missed an opportunity to underscore that she "didn't want any of this," that Callie had walked away, that Callie had given up. And Callie allowed Arizona to preach this false fallacy. It was leniency perceived by Callie as an act of love and patience. It was an absence of accountability that allowed Arizona to live in her distorted reality of self-righteousness. It was a pattern that had weakened their relationship for years.

* * *

><p><em>Nine Months Later<em>

The walls were closing in on Arizona.

Training under Dr. Herman had been invigorating, and Arizona was able to absorb an enormous amount of her knowledge and skill before she finally succumbed to the tumor. Now, Arizona found herself in this lonely, ambiguous world of fetal surgery without her beloved mentor.

She and Callie had found some semblance of rhythm in their co-parenting. Well, to call it co-parenting is generous. It was joint custody. There was no collaboration or overlap in their parenting of Sofia. There was a schedule. And a system. Sofia was well-loved, but each mother did so in isolation.

And there was Callie. The hospital was large enough that the two doctors could avoid each other, but it was small enough for Arizona to be generally updated on Callie. She knew that Callie's veterans project had taken off after their split. There was energy and grant money and publications flying around. There was even mention of a possible Harper Avery in a year or two. Callie appeared more tranquil and confident than Arizona had seen her in years, and it made her simultaneously proud and sad. And that type of dichotomous emotional chaos within was what Arizona regularly avoided exploring.

She saw how closely Callie worked with Owen on the project. It wasn't clear to her why he was so involved; he was a veteran, sure, but what was his purpose? She had also heard rumors of a few blow-ups between the two, and the way Owen spoke to Callie brought out Arizona's protective nature. But she figured it wasn't her place to question the dynamic.

As time passed and their project intensified, though, Arizona saw the writing on the wall: Callie and Owen were going to fall into bed together. Arizona had been waiting for this shoe to drop for years – since she slept with Dr. Boswell, in fact – and while, in the past, she wrongfully assumed Callie would sleep with someone else, to her surprise, she was not prepared to witness it.

She was a single mother, confused about her professional path, and with Callie on the cusp of officially moving on, the walls were closing in on Arizona.

* * *

><p><em>Three Months Later<em>

"So." Arizona took a deep breath as she stood on the other side of the living room looking at Callie.

"My stuff has already been shipped, and I am planning on driving out in the morning. I just wanted to come by and see Sof before then."

Arizona was standing in Callie's living room – what was once their living room – speaking too distantly for the situation at hand. She had been feeling lost for months, so when Oregon Health in Portland called with an offer to head up their newly developed fetal surgery department with limitless resources, she jumped at the chance.

Callie sighed. She looked away and wracked her brain to make sense of this move. To find the right words that would stop it. But when she looked back to Arizona, she knew it was futile.

"_You are thinking of doing WHAT!?" Callie was pacing the on-call room. She couldn't believe this. Moving? Permanently? How, what, why?_

"_Callie, just listen. I –"_

"_No. Absolutely not. This isn't happening. We have already put Sofia through so much and now you want to move three HOURS away. No. You're not going."_

_Arizona took a breath. She had practiced – speak calmly, get her words across before Callie could speak over her again._

"_I'm going. I have to. For so many reasons, Callie."_

_When Arizona realized that Callie was listening, she continued._

"_It's an incredible professional opportunity. I can take the world of fetal surgery to a new level. And it's only a three hour drive. We will figure out a schedule to share custody, and I can fly back in under an hour. Sofia is my daughter, and I won't let her suffer from this. But, I'm going to Portland."_

_Callie stared. She couldn't take it all in. The questions were swirling in her brain – Where did this come from? What did this mean for their family? For their daughter? And what did Arizona mean "for so many reasons?" What other reasons? _

_But all she saw was that Arizona was resolute._

_So she stormed out._

"Okay. I guess … I guess we'll see you in a few weeks," Callie said. Until they could figure out a permanent schedule, they planned to meet half-way every few weeks so Sofia could spend weekends with Arizona in Portland.

They stood across the room staring at each other. There was a heavy pause, and Arizona opened her mouth as if to say something. To say goodbye? To apologize for her mistakes? To ask Callie to beg her not to go? To question how they got to this, after years of loving each other and building a beautiful life?

But she didn't say anything.

Arizona closed her mouth. She gave Callie a tight nod. And she turned to walk out the door.

* * *

><p><em>That Night<em>

Seattle was covered in a late-night foggy mist. It was 2am as Arizona walked up the house. She could see through the front window and into the kitchen where Callie was standing over the sink washing dishes. She knew Callie did late-night housework when she was uneasy and couldn't sleep. Standing outside in the silence, she watched for a moment. Tear stains marked her cheeks.

Sitting in her hotel room on her final night in Seattle, the walls finally crashed in.

All of the memories insisted on washing over her – the good times that turned bad, the issues that were never addressed, the screaming, the abuse, the infidelities. It was too much, and before she realized where she was, Arizona had pulled up in front of the house.

She watched Callie finish with the dishes and turn off the kitchen light. She lightly knocked at the door, and as Callie answered with a confused look on her face, Arizona rushed passed and into the living room.

She turned back. Callie stood, her eyebrows slightly raised, half questioning, but mostly concerned.

"Arizona?" she asked hesitantly.

And with that, Arizona crumbled. Fresh tears burst from her eyes so hard that she couldn't catch her breath. Her face fell into her hands.

Callie rushed over and placed her hands lightly on Arizona's shoulders, trying to make sense of what was happening. As Arizona began to hyperventilate, Callie moved her over to the couch and kneeled in front of her. This was the closest they had been in months.

Words began tumbling from Arizona amidst the gasps.

"I'msorry-I'msorry-I'msorry-I'msorry-I'msorry-I'msorry" was the mantra Arizona was chanting between gulps.

The tears wouldn't subside. She took a deep breath, dropped her hands from face, and locked eyes with Callie, who was frantically taking in the sight before her.

"Callie, I'm sorry. I'msorry-I'msorry-I'msorry. I was sitting in my hotel room and it all came crashing down around me. All of it. I couldn't leave Seattle without telling you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for abusing you after the plane accident. I'm sorry for destroying us with Lauren Boswell. I'm sorry for cementing our destruction with Leah. I'm _so_ sorry."

A pause.

Callie's eyes stayed locked on Arizona, hanging onto her words.

"I married you."

Arizona breathed deeply.

"I took you as my wife."

She closed her eyes.

"And then I _fucking_ destroyed us. Callie, I need you to know that I am sorry." Arizona's tears continued.

A heavy silence took over the living room, and finally Arizona's sobs slowed.

Callie took a breath. "It's late, Arizona. Why don't you sleep here."

Dropping her gaze to her lap, Arizona nodded once and got up to walk into the guest bedroom. She knew she was in no shape to drive at this hour.

Callie followed her to the guest bedroom and after she made her way in, Callie closed the door.

Arizona heard some movement in the kitchen, and she suspected Callie was making her tea. Callie always made her tea when she was sad. This thought alone made Arizona erupt into another round of sobbing. She curled onto her side and gave into the tears.

Callie entered the darkened room and sat the tea on the nightstand, gently placing a comforting hand on Arizona's shoulder before turning to go.

"Callie," Arizona softly called out as Callie walked back out toward the hallway.

"Please. Just tonight. Please lay with me."

Callie turned back. Arizona was taking heavy breaths in an attempt to self-soothe. Callie quietly clicked the bedroom door closed, then walked to the the bed and laid down.

On opposite sides, Callie lay on her back, looking up, while Arizona faced her, trying desperately to control her weeping. Neither reached out for the other, but the proximity comforted both.

The emotional exhaustion started to pull Arizona under. As she was drifting off to sleep, she kept murmuring "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

Callie laid still, listening. As Arizona's breath steadied and her mumbling stop, she heard Callie whisper, "I know. I'm sorry too."

* * *

><p>And when Callie woke up with the first hint of daylight, she rolled over to see that Arizona was gone.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Callie turned on her blinker to pull into Starbucks. It was right off of Route 5, half way between Seattle and Portland. Arizona had been gone for less than a month, and her absence was resulting in a complicated ache for Callie. The purpose of this reunion, though, sat in the back of Callie's Mercedes. Sofia was going to spend the next few days exploring Portland with her Mama.

Callie saw Arizona casually leaned back against the hood of her own car, waiting for their arrival. When Callie pulled in, Arizona straightened up and seemed to brace herself with a deep breath before shining a distant smile at the familiar faces.

"You found it," Arizona said as Callie stepped out of the driver's seat.

"We did." Callie tentatively smiled, but an awkward silence lingered. She rushed to fill it. "Sofia dozed off a bit after we got out of Seattle, but she's been chattering non-stop for the last half hour. She's really excited to see you."

Arizona's eyes went to their daughter in the back seat.

"We are going to have a great weekend." Arizona moved to help Sofia out of the car.

Callie watched her sling Sofia's overnight bag over her shoulder and whisper something in her ear that made their daughter giggle. Sofia jumped down from Callie's car before skipping over to Arizona's back seat to get safely buckled in for the remainder of her journey.

Arizona turned back to Callie.

"So," Callie started. "How are you? How have you been?"

"I've been good." The response was short, but Arizona's tone was warm.

"You're getting settled? How's the new job? Are you making friends?" Callie couldn't help herself. She was curious. And worried.

"I'm fine, Callie. Thank you." Arizona gently smiled. She wasn't upset, but this line of questioning was a dead-end.

Callie understood. She gave an embarrassed smile and took a breath before nodding and heading back to her car.

"I've been lonely for years, Callie."

Callie turned back, surprised by the admission, to see Arizona nearly halfway inside her SVU.

"Turns out it's just a less painful version of lonely when you aren't staring daily at the life you once had."

The two maintained eye contact, both trying to make sense of what Arizona just confessed.

"Thank you for meeting me with Sofia. It means a lot." Arizona moved fully in her car. "We'll see you in a couple of days."

And with that, Arizona and Sofia drove off.


End file.
